


Fraying Strands of Gold

by Rebel_Atar



Series: Spiritassassin Week 2017 [6]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst, Baze needs to actually pay attention, Chirrut needs to learn to talk about his feelings, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-10-28 12:51:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10831650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rebel_Atar/pseuds/Rebel_Atar
Summary: Chirrut has been able to see the force bond between him and Baze since he was thirteen. He is now nineteen and Baze still cannot see it. How long can he hide his breaking heart.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Spiritassassin week Day 6: Soulmates/Soulbond
> 
> I had real difficulty writing the first chapter of this for some reason but the rest of them are already getting away from me so maybe they'll be a little better.

Chirrut is twelve when he first reaches the meditative state necessary to see if he is force bonded.

 

He is.

 

Stretching out from his solar plexus are fine strands of thread connecting him to the one his soul is bound to.

 

Chirrut focuses. Tries to look down the length of the threads to see where they lead. Some people are lucky and their bonded is someone they are close to. For others the entire galaxy is between them. The cord leading from chirrut is made of fine strands but it is thick and strong. His bonded is near to him.

 

The balance between meditative focus and the curiosity of wanting to follow the thread is difficult to maintain and he doesn’t manage it this time. He contents himself with the knowledge that the bond is there and he can keep trying.

 

Chirrut is thirteen when he finally manages to get the balance just right and his bonded is close enough that he can follow the length of the thread to them. He is probably more surprised than he should be to find out it is Baze. He is happy though because, though they are still young, Chirrut cannot imagine anyone else he would want to spend his life with.

 

When Chirrut is nineteen, and Baze is twenty, Baze has reached the meditative state necessary to see if he is force bonded no fewer than two dozen times by the Masters’ reckoning. He has never seen even one strand of thread. Chirrut keeps pushing him to try again, and again but Baze has resigned himself to not having a soulmate.

 

Chirrut is nineteen and his heart is breaking. Every time another strand frays, from actions on both of their sides, it breaks a little more. He stays quiet though. It is not his place to tell Baze they are bonded, not when the other still can’t see the threads. He pushes down his pain and keeps it hidden.

 

Baze is Chirrut’s best friend and Chirrut has been in love with him from at least the moment he realised they were bonded. He will do nothing that would risk that friendship.

  
Unfortunately he is not sure how much longer he is going to be able to suffer in silence.


	2. Chapter 2

Chirrut is sulking. Baze is sure of it.

 

It’s always the same. Whenever Baze finds someone new he is interested in Chirrut sulks. 

 

Baze might have been able to understand it if it wasn’t for the fact that he knew Chirrut had a soulbond but for some reason refused to try looking for his mate. 

 

What’s the point in sulking about being lonely when you are literally joined to someone else in the force. It’s not like it was a secret. When Chirrut first saw the threads in the force he had told everyone in the temple.

 

When they were younger and Chirrut had sulked Baze thought it was because he wasn’t old enough to go out and look for his bondmate. Baze had tried to keep his flirting out of sight of Chirrut. Kisses exchanged in the corridors between lessons and duties. Hiding out in the garden to try and get a few hours alone with whoever he had been enamored with at the time. He was considerate of his friend, at least he had thought so.

Now Chirrut was old enough to venture out after his bondmate if he wanted to. Had been for two years now. Yet he stayed with the temple and he still sulked when Baze came back to their room with kiss swollen lips. 

 

It was aggravating. 

 

Yet no matter how many times he had tried to encourage Chirrut to follow his heart, or at least coax an answer out of him as to why he wouldn’t go, Chirrut just shook his head and remained silent.

 

Baze sighed to himself. Chirrut was just going to have to get over whatever it was. Baze didn’t have that force thread tying him to someone. He’d looked over and over again as the years passed and he had never seen one. There was, however, a girl he’d met in the market that he could see himself becoming serious about.

 

She was beautiful and witty. Almost as witty as Chirrut. She laughed at Baze’s jokes, which was a rare occurance. Normally only Chirrut found him funny. She didn’t mind that he was larger than a lot of the other locals, something Baze was rather self-conscious about. She was wonderful, and he had no intention of hiding her from Chirrut just because he wanted to sulk. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should apologise for what you are about to read.

Chirrut had been hearing about the girl Baze was seeing for a few weeks now. 

 

It seemed he was serious about her.

He suffered through hearing about their dates and how beautiful she was and how witty and tried to be the good friend, the  _ best _ friend that he knew Baze wanted him to be. 

 

Afterwards, when Baze was asleep, he climbed up the stairs of one of the abandoned spires where he knew no one else dared to go, and let his heart break. He cried until he had no more tears left. Let himself feel the pain he had to hide from Baze and then pushed it back down until next time.

 

Chirrut was funny, he was cheerful and silly and always smiled. Baze couldn’t know how close he was to falling apart. Baze deserved to be happy. One of them should be.

 

It had barely been two days since the last time Chirrut had gone up to the spire. He was wandering the marketplace, hoping to find something sweet. Then he saw them. Baze and his girl, and she really was beautiful. She had high cheek bones and jet black hair, a sharp smile but Chirrut could hear her laughing and knew it was genuine. He could hear Baze laughing along with her.

 

He looked for the thread between them and when he found it he watched as another strand fray. The bond reacting viscerally to what it saw as a denial of its existence. 

 

Chirrut felt his chest seize. This was bad. This was so, so much worse than before. So much worse than just hearing about it. His whole body sang with the betrayal even though Baze  _ wasn’t  _  his and never would be and  _ force _ it felt like he was dying. Chirrut ran.

 

If Chirrut had watched the bond a little longer he would have seen his pain resonating along the threads that connected him to Baze. He would have seen Baze gasp as he felt as though his heart was ripped out of his chest.

 

Baze sat on a low wall next to a beautiful woman. Yet from one moment to the next he went from feeling giddy to being in agony and although he felt it physically he  _ knew _ it wasn’t a physical pain. Worse. He knew, in that brief sharp moment, that the pain wasn’t his. He waved off the girl’s distress, her concern. He told her he was feeling unwell all of a sudden and he might go see the temple healer. She nodded, sympathetic and kissed him on the cheek. 

 

Baze stood to head off and said he’d see her tomorrow but she just shooed him along his way. 

 

He ducked into an alley as soon as he knew he’d be out of sight. He had a hunch about what might be causing the pain but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be right or not. He took a deep breath and tried to calm his heart which felt like it was beating out of his chest. 

 

Baze coaxed his mind and body into the semi meditative state he knew was needed. Afterall he’d reached it often enough before. Once he felt his mind haze, tipping the balance between conscious and not, he looked down.

 

There, stretching out from his chest, were strands of thread. They were faint and they didn’t look quite the way they were supposed to according to the texts, fuzzy, out of focus, but they were undeniably there.

  
They led in the opposite direction to the girl he had been with. Somehow, despite thinking he did not have a bondmate, Baze did not feel surprised that it wasn’t the girl. 


	4. Chapter 4

Baze clutched at his chest where the strands, the  _ pain _ , emanated from. It was so strong that whoever his bonded was must be close but the threads looked so faint.

 

All the scriptures Baze had ever read on force bonds described the soulbound as being able to see the threads brightly and strongly when they were close to each other. The bond only appearing faint when they were separated by a great distance.

 

There were tales upon tales of those bound following the faint trails through the galaxy until the thread grew almost blindingly bright and they found the one they were bound to in the force. 

 

Baze didn’t understand how he couldn’t have seen this before. It was true that most could not see their bonds without years of focused meditation. This meditation was part of the training to become a Guardian of the Whills. Baze had done it. Had been pronounced by the Masters to have reached the necessary state to see a bond if he had one but he had never seen anything.

 

Now it was unmistakable. Thin strands of thread leading out from the center of his chest, almost urging him to follow them. They were gold. It was said that only those truly one in the force, truly and purely bound in all ways had golden threads. How could he not have seen it before. 

 

Baze pushed off from the wall he was leaning against. He needed to follow it. He needed answers. He needed to know why his bonded was in so much pain.

 

He cautiously stepped towards where the thread trailed off to. It wound through the Jedhan streets leading him higher and higher up the city until he reached the temple steps. Somehow the fact that his bonded was in the temple was even less reassuring. It was someone he knew then, or at least it was someone he had lived alongside for years. Baze felt nausea stir in the pit of his stomach. There was something wrong here. Something more than just the pain.

 

The threads were faintly vibrating with it now and the closer he got the more he felt it. He followed it further, ducking into alcoves out of sight of his fellow initiates. He wasn’t about to explain what was happening to him, not until he’d followed this through to the end.

 

Eventually he stood at the base of one of the temples spires. It was an old one, long abandoned. The stairs beginning to crumble and the cracks in the wall making it too draughty to be of use. He could see the threads much more clearly now. Clear enough to know there was something wrong with them. The faintness had given way to reveal a thinness. Bond threads were supposed to be like robes. Twisted of multiple threads that were in turn twisted of multiple individual strands. What Baze could see looked more like thick sewing thread or thin yarn.

  
He could feel the pain all the way down to his bones now. He looked up the crumbling stairway and began to climb.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ones going to hurt.

Baze followed the thread up. He was nearing one of the open rooms that were interspersed throughout the tower when he began to hear the cries. Not just sobs but wails of agony from the emotional pain that was rippling along the bond. The voice sounded familiar. Baze sped up.

 

It took barely a minute for him to reach the room. Baze was struck still in the doorway, unable to believe what he was seeing.

 

There, pressed against the curving wall of the room and curled up in a ball, was Chirrut. He looked down at the bond, where it glowed, shimmering along the connection that led straight to his best friend. Chirrut let out a ragged sob and Baze was shaken to his core.  

 

This close he could see why the bond was so thin. It had frayed. Actions on both sides had weakened the strands until they snapped. Actions on both sides, except that he hadn’t felt any pain, except the thread was fraying the worst just before it reached him. This was his fault. 

 

Baze was sickened by what he had done. How could he not have known. Did chirrut know? Or was his agony born of something he had no knowledge of?

 

No.

 

No that wasn’t right was it. When Baze thought back every look he shared with another, just a breath longer than what was decent, there was a small ache. He had thought it was him. His loneliness, his wanting. When he’d mentioned the girl there had been a moment he had thought he’d had a chest pain, then nothing, numbness.

 

Chirrut was shielding him.

 

He could see it now. He had wrapped as much of the thread close to him as he could, every frayed strand. Had tried to tend to it, mend it in the force whilst keeping his pain from Baze. Had he felt this every time Baze went to meet her? Every time he came back flushed, with kiss bruised lips. The guilt was overwhelming.

Chirrut gasped and stiffened, looked up from where he was hunched over. His eyes red and swollen, cheeks stained with tears that were not stopping. Baze felt like his chest was caving in, his own pain now, not Chirrut’s. He had done this to Chirrut. He had caused this. Fuck. 

 

“Chirrut.” Said Baze, moving forward. He needed to fix this. Needed Chirrut to know he hadn’t meant to hurt him, would never had wanted him to be in such pain.

 

“No.” Chirrut shook his head.

 

“No?” Baze stopped.

 

“Stay away.” Chirrut raised his hands open palmed in front of him as if to ward Baze off.

 

“Chirrut?”

 

“No. Just stay back, don’t come near me.” His voice shook, tears still streaming down his face.

 

Baze took a step forward. “Chirrut,  _ please _ .”

 

“No!” He screamed. “Leave me alone! Please just…” His voice tapered back down to a near whisper. “Leave me alone.”

 

“Chirrut.” Baze stared at him wishing desperately to be closer.

 

“I don’t need your pity.” Chirrut spat out the words at him and Baze watched as a strand frayed, felt the pain ache deep within him. He watched as Chirrut whimpered and tried to gather it close to him along with the rest.

 

Baze slowly edged closer as Chirrut reached looked at the now loose strand of thread, his hands raised to show he means no harm. “Pity isn’t why I’m here.”

 

“Why then?” Chirrut didn’t understand. He was sure he had left the market before Baze saw him.

 

Baze sighed. “Why do you think Chirrut.”

 

He wished he knew how to push feeling down the bond but that would take time, would take them working together on it. Before any of that he would need to work to repair the damage.

 

Chirrut sniffed and scrubbed at his face. “To mock me maybe?” The tears fell thick and fast, his voice shook in agony and anger. “Do you think its funny? To find out your best friend is in love with you? Here to laugh at me?”

 

Baze recoiled in shock. “Chirrut, no! I would never. Do you really think so poorly of me? That I would be so cruel to you.” Had he really damaged their friendship as badly as that.

 

“I don’t…” His breath hiccuped, “I don’t understand.” Chirrut buried his face in his hands, curling in on himself again.

 

Baze ached to hold him. To soothe his pain. Even if it hadnt been for the bond, Chirrut was his best friend. He didn’t know what he would do without him. 

 

“I’d never knowingly hurt you Chirrut.” He pleaded, edging slowly closer. “Though I can see I’ve done it unknowingly.” Chirrut was shaking and Baze’s heart broke for him. “Please Chirrut let me help.”

 

“You  _ can’t. _ ” It was bitter, forced through clenched teeth. 

 

Baze took another step forward, almost within arm's reach of him now and it was taking everything he had not to just grab Chirrut and clasp him close. “At least tell me how long you’ve been hurting.”

 

“How long?” Chirrut looked up and paused for a moment noticing how close Baze had gotten but with his back already against the spire wall there was nowhere to go. “What does it matter how long?”

 

“You won’t tell me?”

 

“It doesn’t matter!” Chirrut yelled.

 

Baze sighed heavily. “How long Chirrut? How long has this,” He reached a finger to trace where the threads hung in the air between them, “Been fraying? How long have I been tearing you apart?”

 

Chirrut’s mouth dropped open, eyes fixed on where Baze had stroked directly along where the connection lay. “B-baze?” He stammered, voice breaking. Shocked, not wanting to hope, not after so long.

 

“I’m here Chirrut.” He said softly. “I can see it now. See the damage I’ve done.”

 

Chirrut’s heart seized at the sadness in his friend’s eyes. What he had mistaken for pity was guilt. Baze saw the bond between them. He recognised the bond. Chirrut let out a sob as he flung himself at his friend, the larger man catching him and holding him tight to his chest.

 

“Shh Chirrut. It’s okay. I’m here. I’m here now.”

 

“You can see it.” Chirrut’s voice trembled as he cried into Bazes shirt.

 

“I can. I can and I’m sorry. I’m sorry i didn’t see it sooner. Sorry I stopped trying to.”

 

Chirrut clung to him like a dying man. He couldn’t believe it. After so many years.

  
Baze guided them both gently down to the floor, stroking Chirrut’s hair and trying to calm him. 


	6. Chapter 6

Baze held Chirrut until the hiccuping sobs began to train off. He looked down to see his friend with his hands wrapped in the fabric of Baze’s robes. He moved his hand to rest on the back of Chirrut’s neck. Chirrut looked up at him longingly and Baze sighed as his chest ached.

 

The wind howled and sand swirled into the room from the cracked walls. 

 

“We should head down.” He murmured. “There was a sandstorm warning earlier. We might get stuck.” 

 

Being stuck by Chirrut for possibly days as a storm passed might actually be for the best right now but Baze would rather spend it where they might still be able to access the kitchens, or at the very least have a bed.  Chirrut sniffed and nodded before getting shakily to his feet. Baze kept and arm around his back as they headed to the door. Chirrut kept looking back unsure that Baze would really follow. 

 

After the second time he almost tripped down the stairs Baze scooped him up in his arms and carried him down. Chirrut, who Baze had expected to protest, had curled quietly against his chest. Cried out and exhausted from pain and relief Chirrut just clung to him. Still not sure this was real. 

 

Once they were down it was obvious that the sandstorm was, in fact, starting to hit. The Masters were herding in acolytes and Guardians. Everyone to their rooms and be shut in tight. They watched as Baze strode past them with Chirrut in his arms and kept the other acolyte’s running about from disturbing them.

 

Baze took Chirrut back to their room and gathered him up in one of their beds, pulling blankets around him. 

 

“Baze?” Said Chirrut.

 

“Shh it’s cold in the spire. You must be freezing.” Said Baze.

 

Chirrut whimpered and snuggled closer.

 

Baze felt almost overwhelmed to protect this man. This brave, stubborn man who wethered pain alone for the sake of tradition and the teachings. Who watched as Baze gave bits of himself to other people and suffered in silence. Baze was struck by the realisation that despite not knowing about the bond til today, he had no intention of ever letting Chirrut go again

 

He kissed the top of Chirrut’s head. Chirrut glanced up at him in shock. One lone tear running down his cheek. Baze brushed it away and leant their foreheads together.

 

“I won’t ask you to forgive me.” He said, softly.

 

“You didn’t know. How could you have.” Said Chirrut.

 

“That doesn’t excuse the damage I’ve done. I knew you didn’t like what I was doing. Thought you were just sulking. Thought you being stubborn not seeking out your bonded.” Baze sighed. “I’m an idiot. If I’d sat and thought about it for longer than two seconds I would have known why you didn't.” He bowed his head, eyes closed. “I’m so sorry Chirrut.”

 

“Baze.” Chirrut pressed a palm to his cheek. “My kind, honorable Baze. “

 

Baze felt his chest ache again but it was a sweet ache and gods how had he not realised this was right in front of him. He turned his head to press a kiss to Chirrut’s palm. Chirrut looked like he might start sobbing again. His eyes large and watery. Instead he lay his head back down on Baze’s chest, hand still clasped to his face.

 

“What…” He stopped, afraid. 

 

“Chirrut?”

 

“What about,” He swallowed, “What about your girlfriend.”

 

Baze squeezed him tight against his chest. “I tell her the truth.”

 

“Which is?”

 

“You doubt what I’d say?” Baze murmured.

 

Chirrut shook his head. “I just...I need to hear it.”

 

“I tell her that I cannot continue to be with her. Not when I am already bound in the force to someone else.”

 

Chirrut’s eyes fluttered shut in relief. 

Tomorrow would come and Baze would have to sort out what is happening between them and also talk to the girl, but first he needed to make sure Chirrut was okay. So they sat together on Chirrut’s bed, wrapped in blankets, and waited out the storm.


	7. Chapter 7

The next day found Baze sat on a bench in the marketplace where they usually met. Waiting to go through with what was probably going to be a messy breakup. As the market began to fill up he saw her. She was dressed today in a flowing tunic and loose trousers, a robe cinched over the top and her hair wrapped in a scarf as usual. She hurried over to Baze.

 

“Good morning, are you feeling any better today.” She said.

 

“Ayesha, I’ve got some er...I’ve got some news. I don’t think you’re going to like what it is.” Said Baze.

 

Ayesha’s smile faltered and she sat down on the bench next to him. She linked her hands in his and pulled them into her lap.

 

“What’s wrong.”

 

“Yesterday that pain.” Baze sighed and looked up at the sky, wishing this was easier. “It wasn’t mine I...I’m soulbound.”

 

She gasped and let go of one of his hands to cover her mouth with it. “Oh,  _ Baze _ . Did...did you already know?” 

“No, but...my soulbound knew.”

 

Ayesha looked up at him in shock. “Why didn’t she tell you?”

 

“The teachings discourage it.” Said Baze, “It is believed to make us lazy when trying to reach the state required to see the bond on our own.”

 

“That’s...that’s so  _ stupid _ . So yesterday the pain?” She had a pretty good idea of what it was now that Baze was soulbound.

 

“My mate saw us.”

 

“Oh  _ no. _ I’m so sorry. I hope she’s alright.” Said Ayesha.

 

“He.” Baze had let it go the first time but he figured if he was going to be honest with Ayesha he might as well be completely honest.

 

“I’m sorry?”

 

“He.” Said Baze.

 

“ _ Oh _ ...well I hope he’s alright then.” She said with a sad smile. “I won’t say that I hadn’t hoped for more between us. You are so sweet and handsome and kind but...A force bond?” She sighed heavily.  Some things were sacred across all human cultures and this was one of those things. “I couldn’t come between that. Besides...I wasn’t  _ entirely _ honest with you.”

 

Baze looked up in confusion, brow furrowed. “Ayesha? I don’t understand.”

 

She sighed and looked at the ground. “I’m betrothed.”

 

“Betrothed?!” 

 

“Mmm. All arranged by my parents he’s from a good family, has a successful business. I'm told I'll like him.”

 

“You're  _ told _ ?” Finding out Ayesha was betrothed was a bit of a shock. Baze couldn’t say he didn’t feel a little betrayed. He had been completely open and honest with her. It saddened him that she hadn’t been the same. Regardless of this, the fact that she hadn’t even met the man she was going to marry worried Baze.

 

“Yeah.” She sighed. She shook her head then reached up to adjust her scarf when it didn’t feel like it was laying right. “I...I didn’t want...well,” She stammered. “I didn’t want to marry someone without knowing what it was like to be with someone of my own choosing. Thanks to you I do know that now. And i'm glad for it. You're a good man, Baze Malbus. I hope your bondmate appreciates you.”

 

Baze squeezed the hand he still held and looked away. “I hope I can make up for the pain I caused him.”

 

“You didn't know Baze, it's not your fault.” She smiled kindly at him and pecked him on the cheek. “Now go on. Go make up for all that lost time.”

 

“What will you do? About your betrothal I mean.”

 

“Oh as I understand it, sorry as i'm ‘told’, he’s going to be busy off world with business for a couple of years at least, then there’s planning the actual wedding.” She smirked, wickedness sparkling in her eyes. “Guess I'll just have to find some other handsome man to keep me company while I wait.”

 

Baze laughed, glad that she wasn’t too heartbroken, gladder still that she had no intention of letting a little something like betrothal stop her from living. “Just tell this one up front? Hmm?”

 

“Oh alright. I suppose that's reasonable. Now go.”

 

“Thank you, Ayesha.” 

  
She shooed him off giggling a little. Baze made his way through the crowd back toward the temple. He waved at her before he was out of sight. He hoped she'd be happy one way or another. For now though Ayesha was right. Chirrut needed him. He hurried through the Jedhan streets. Now he could feel the bond he recognised his loneliness for what it always had been. He needed Chirrut, and it didn't take much at all before he missed him terribly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally not everything is sad


	8. Chapter 8

Baze watched Chirrut with a smile from where he was leant against the door frame. He could tell the other acolyte was still shaken from yesterday's events but he was back to smiling, back to being animated. Back to flailing his hands around as he spoke. Baze felt a warmth suffuse through him. Fondness for Chirrut pouring out from him.

 

Chirrut glanced up from the acolyte he was speaking with and smiled at him. He then, rather obviously. made his excuses and ran over to Baze.

 

“Well?” He asked, nervous.

 

“I told her.” Baze smiled. “She was surprisingly supportive, and apparently she's betrothed anyway.” 

 

“She’s what?”

 

Baze sighed and shrugged. “Yeah. That's what I said.!

 

“So…”Said Chirrut, “It’s over now? You're...you’re not going to um?”

 

“I’m not going off with someone else when my soulbound is standing directly in front of me Chirrut.”

 

Chirrut smiled at him, it was a little watery. Things were still tense between them and Baze ached to make it right. It was something they would discover together as they worked to mend the damage to their bond.

 

Chirrut bit his lip, suddenly looking a little nervous. Baze raised an eyebrow at him.

 

“When you look at our bond what, I mean I know you can see the damage but-”

 

“Chirrut,” He sighed.

 

“Do you know what colour it is Baze?

 

Ah. Chirrut was worried. Thinking that Baze didn't know the extent of their bond. That at least he could easily fix. He cupped Chirrut’s cheek in his hand and smiled down at him.

 

“Gold, Chirrut. It’s gold.”

 

Then he bent and kissed him softly with all the gentleness he was capable of, and felt happiness sing through their bond as Chirrut melted against him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So....this is now a series. Why do these things always end up getting away from me like this.


End file.
